Graphic by Yujin Kim/The Choate News
After months stuck inside because of the pandemic, with no one but my family to talk to, coming to Choate was a breath of fresh air. I went from sitting through dull dinner conversations and watching YouTube in my room to socializing with different people my age — people I could relate to and connect with. Yet, despite all the good that has come out of attending a boarding school, the abrupt and drastic social transition left me feeling overwhelmed and paranoid.
I have always been a big extrovert. When I was younger, I was constantly running around all day with my friends, meeting new people and exploring new places. If I needed a break from socializing, I could curl up in my bed at home at the end of the day and recharge in my own little safe haven. My friends were always there the next day whenever I was ready to see them.
The thing is, at boarding school, there is no safe haven to go back to. I wake up at 7:00 a.m. to go to breakfast and stay out until 8:30 p.m. for my evening class. On weekends, I leave my dorm room just as early and return even later. When I come back, my room is not just my room and the dorm is not just my home; they’re places full of people and the constant hum of social interaction. After a tiring day, I still have to keep a smile plastered on my face while I talk to my advisers, prefects, and dorm mates. No one can know how much I am struggling to balance my mental health and social life.
I began to go to sleep later and later, not only so that I could have more time to talk to friends, but also so that, hopefully, I could finally catch a moment for myself. It was unhealthy for both my mental and physical state. Still, as I nodded off in the middle of my physics class and bought too many Arizona iced teas from the school store, I attempted to ignore these obvious symptoms of my sleep deprivation. I told myself that high school is a time for living my life to the fullest, and that meant not missing anything.
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as not missing anything. Different friends make different plans at the same time, leaving me questioning whom I should hang out with. Who have I not seen in a while? Who would be upset if I didn’t come? What will people think if I hang out with this person instead of someone else? Do I have an assignment to do or a meeting to attend? The questions took control over every decision I made, and I was scared of choosing incorrectly. My decision could never satisfy everyone, let alone myself.
I could no longer handle this doubt and, feeling more exhausted than ever, I finally decided to go to the Health Center. I was done being overwhelmed and tired, and I had heard from my friends that if a student was having a mentally taxing day, they could get a room there. Laying on the bed alone and listening to music, it finally felt like I was back home in my safe haven. Going to the Health Center gave me a space and time to process how my life at Choate had gone so far and what I wanted to do moving forward. I love hanging out with my friends, but it felt like my peers were watching my every move. I needed time alone. I needed a break. For the next few hours, I rested in the Health Center.
As I near the end of my freshman year, I still haven’t found the perfect balance between these two struggles. I still over-analyze my decisions, but I’ve developed some tactics that have helped improve my relationships and mental health. I now hang out only with the people I actually want to spend time with and say no when I am busy. My new mindset is that if I miss something fun, I can still hear about it later and try to make it the next time. I am not wasting time when I take a nap or go to my dorm to relax. I try to do what is best for my mental health and not what others want from me. I chose myself over the fear of missing out.
