Photo courtesy of Yujin Kim ’23
Dear Miss Tiffany Xiao,
We regret to inform you that our credible sources have leaked information that lead us to question your competence as a Choate student. This investigation is still in its early stages, so consider gathering some friends from the mock trial team to prepare yourself for the slew of questions that will soon come your way. To start off, let’s review the evidence we have.
In your application, you said that in Choate’s welcoming environment, “You can build stronger relationships with your peers.” First red flag: since you’ve arrived on campus, your definition of “peers” has shifted more accurately to be “pets.” Yes, while most students wave at one another, you’ve been observed to wave primarily at dogs (and speak to them in a rather annoyingly high-pitched, delighted voice). Ironically, we have even noticed some students calling you “Tiffpup.” Or, as our lovely Editor-in-Chief and Managing Editor of The Choate News prefer: “PUPPY!” You, however, may be taking that title a little too literally, as we’ve observed the occasional bark greeting from you as well.
In your interview, you spent quite a bit of time telling Admission Officer Ms. Courtney Given about your involvement in the arts, with an emphasis on the violin and your engagement in various city and regional orchestras. With your extensive experience participating in musical ensembles, one would assume you would understand that bringing an instrument to rehearsal is the bare necessity. Why is it, then, that the entire Symphony Orchestra has — on multiple occasions — watched as you sheepishly walked up to the conductor, Mr. Gene Wie, and asked to borrow a violin because you left yours in your dorm room?
Also, as any logical person may conclude, proficiency in playing an instrument requires ample amounts of practice time. It seems that the only time you are ever inspired to practice is at 9 p.m., the exact time that Colony Hall closes for the night. As for your passion for singing, it has become more of a nuisance. We find you singing in every echoey stairwell at this school, not to mention in your dorm room, the shower, under the arch of the PMAC, in the dining hall, on the balcony of Bernhard while study hours are taking place … need we go on?
Swimming was another main highlight of your application. Yes, we admit that you hinted towards disliking the sport, though that was an extreme understatement. “Loathing” seems more fitting. Besides your constant complaints about it in the first floor bathroom of Nichols while everyone was peacefully brushing their teeth at 10:30 p.m., you apparently felt it was necessary to center your entire freshman year speech on the topic. Although you put a valiant effort into justifying your continued participation in the sport, it failed, as even your teacher Mr. John Cobb stated, “I (and, my guess is, some of your peers) was not entirely convinced that the pros come anywhere near close to the cons in regards to your choice to continue swimming.”
Did Coach Sara not nickname you “Negative Nancy” during swimming season freshman year? You have been sighted at Sunday open swims training for a half hour, blowing bubble rings, and climbing out while you should be working hard to get into shape. Others have heard you saying that you want to exclusively swim the 50-meter freestyle this year — which is, for the non-swimming fanatics, the shortest distance possible. At this point, Tiffany, a wise decision would be to just quit or finally reinvent your attitude to become more positive.
From listening in on some of your Gold Key tours, we have also deduced that you are not only … unique, but also a liar. While explaining the class schedule, we heard you mention how you often take advantage of free blocks to complete homework or meet with teachers. Prefects in your dorm have observed, however, that, you are much more likely to be sighted sprawled napping on the floor of your room — which, by the way, is distastefully decorated with a pile of blankets, a Stitch stuffed animal, and a grey sleeping bag meant for adventures in the big outdoors. Some advice: next year, a simple rug would suffice.
Would you like to challenge us on any of these points? If not, your path at Choate looks like it is leading you back to your — what we are sure are wonderful — Southern California suburbs.
Best,
The Choate Admission Team
