Graphic by Ava Gizzie/The Choate News
I live in Combination House, the only all-gender dorm on campus that has often been frustratingly mislabeled “the gay dorm.” I have been asked a plethora of ridiculous questions about my dorm, so I thought I’d try to clarify a few things. At the very least, I’ll share my experience.
The concept of all-gender housing is not new. In fact, if you think about most dynamics you experience in this world, being surrounded by all genders is normal. It is only in boarding-school environments that our domestic lives suddenly become restricted. Most of us return to a home of multiple genders, whether you live the American Dream with your cisgendered, heterosexual parents or something vastly different.
For students who go home to parts of the world where any identifier beyond heterosexual and cisgendered is unacceptable, all-gender housing may offer them the opportunity to explore their identity that may be possible only through this boarding-school environment.
Before coming to Choate, I went to an all-girls school in London for more than a decade. Although my move to Wallingford has provided me with a far more diverse range of opinions, I have struggled with the new obstacles I experience here. I was not used to having to assert myself in a class full of boys or feeling uncomfortable due to gender dynamics. When the all-gender dorm showed up as an opportunity last year, I was excited about the option of exploring something that I hoped could truly stimulate positive change for further gender equality and to bolster the inclusion and acceptance of members of the LGBTQ+ community on campus.
This is the first year that me and my fellow guinea pigs have tried to learn what all-gendered housing means for us in our community. We’ve started small — arguably too small — with only seven people currently living together in Combo. And although I think we all have dreams of our little dorm being this incredible catalyst to a discussion about housing and an influence for the culture on campus, I recognize that our current impact might be too small to be felt. Don’t get me wrong, I have dreams of an all-gendered Memorial House, of an environment that’s entirely comfortable with the exploration of gender and sexuality. But I know we don’t live in that world yet.
I’ve often — and painfully — been asked, “Don’t you have to be gay to live in the all-gender dorm?” First, it is necessary to understand that gender and sexuality are separate concepts that should not be considered interchangeable. Moreover, a dorm meant only for those that do not recognize themselves within what is considered the norm is entirely opposite to what we want to achieve. The all-gender dorm, as a concept, represents a place where every single person on this campus can feel comfortable and welcomed.
Yes, the first few weeks of walking out of the shower and seeing a member of the opposite sex was a little jarring, but that was the extent of me getting used to my “new” environment. In many ways, living with a more varied group of people has felt more normal than living in a single-sex dorm. Additionally, we have been allowed to dictate the nature of our dorm environment, including constructing a different visitation policy that doesn’t feel uncomfortable for everyone involved. I have learned the importance of talking things through with everyone in my dorm: this involves being open, being proactive, and ensuring that everyone is comfortable. Overall, my largest complaint is that some members of our dorm forget to put the toilet seat down — a small grievance in exchange for an incredibly positive dorm experience.
With that, I compel you to question what you’ve been told about all-gender housing. We are privileged to have a school community that is open enough to accept everyone; now, this sentiment needs to be enforced on a larger scale. I hope that people’s misconceptions concerning sexual orientations in regards to all-gendered housing can be corrected and that more people will feel inspired to explore all-gender housing at Choate. Whether you have questions, need someone to talk to, or take issue with what I’ve said, please reach out. We can drink tea and talk about it.
