“Finding your people at Choate is hard, but it’s not impossible. My freshman year, the seniors told me that I would most likely not be friends with the same people for all four years of Choate. Of course, I did not believe them. After only two weeks at Choate — which to be fair, felt like an eternity — I was certain that I had already found my permanent friend group. But, to no one’s surprise, a month or two into freshman year, I grew apart from the friends I made during orientation. After that, I made new friends, thinking, “Yes, now I’ve finally found my people,” but again, we ended up growing apart only a few months later.
My first two years at Choate, this happened to me over and over again. Each time, I left those friendships feeling discouraged, thinking it was unlikely for me to find yet another group of people at Choate I would feel at home with. Yet, each time, I met new friends and proved myself wrong. Maybe my freshman year friends were my people at the time, but people change, and inevitably friendships will change too. Choate may be small, but four years is a long time, and people will come and go from your life when they are meant to.
So, here’s what I’ve learned from my friendships at Choate over the years:
Right person, wrong time can be true for friends, too. Rhea Shah was one of my first friends at Choate, but amid the drama of freshman year (which I promise will seem more and more dumb as you get older), we fell apart. Actually, Rhea, I think there was a solid two terms of Choate when we absolutely hated each other. During sophomore winter, however, when I think it’s safe to say that we had both changed a lot, we bonded over a shared experience and became best friends — and we’ve been friends since. Moral of the story, if you don’t want to be judged for who you were freshman year, don’t judge others for who they were freshman year.
First impressions aren’t always accurate. As someone with a really horrible resting bitch face — like really bad, like people frequently ask me if I’m okay or they think I’m glaring at them — I don’t always give the best first impression. Add my resting face with the fact that I’m quiet when you first meet me, and many people assume that I’m intimidating, intimidated BY them, or stuck up (my friend Orville can attest to this — she told me that she thought I was a bitch when she first met me). Take the time to get to know people beyond what their first impression is, and they might surprise you.
Value the friendships where you can pick up right where you left off. Kayce Madancy and I were friends before the pandemic hit, but during the quarantine and throughout junior year, our only form of communication was through sending each other cat TikToks—literally just cute videos of cats sitting there doing nothing. Sometimes we would respond “awww” or “omg so cute,” but we really didn’t talk much other than that. During prefect training this fall, we started talking again and picked up right where we left off. It was like that two-year gap in our communication never even happened. Understand that you don’t have to constantly talk to someone to stay friends with them, especially as us seniors are going our separate ways for college soon.
Keep an open mind: you can meet unexpected people in unexpected ways at unexpected times. By the time I entered senior year, I didn’t really expect to meet anyone new. My advice for you is to take a chance with the people you are randomly paired up with in class for a group project, or, in my case, randomly paired up with as day student prefect partners. I don’t think anyone could have predicted that Dan Altschuler and I would become such good friends (just kidding!), but those surprising connections you form with people you never would have expected to get along with often lead to the best relationships.
Basically, all of this is to say: find the people at Choate who let you be unapologetically yourself. Surround yourself with people who are positive and supportive and loving and funny — the people who you can sit with for hours in the dining hall and not get bored. I don’t know many people who would want to stay up late on FaceTime popcorn reading Sabrina Orah Mark’s column in The Paris Review just for fun, but I’m glad that I’ve found the two people at Choate (Rachel and Henrik) who would happily agree to do that. Find a Charlotte Weinstein to walk around campus with during a snow storm, taking pictures of each other posing in front of every lamp post and bench you pass. Let people come into your room and complain about random things when you both should probably be doing homework instead (this was Irene’s favorite activity in Hall junior winter). Join Senior Soccer or Ultimate Frisbee even if you don’t have a single athletic bone in your body (shoutout to JV ultimate stars Chiara and Angela). Become friends with people who will go with you to SkyZone an hour before curfew because why not or play kickball in the rain on Mem Field or run around at night playing hide-and-seek around campus.
I didn’t find most of these people until the end of sophomore year or even this year, but I’m eternally grateful that somehow in this big world our paths crossed here at Choate — so grateful that I start actually crying everytime I think about leaving this place (I’m honestly surprised that I’m not in tears right now). With each friendship that I’ve gained or lost, I’ve learned to stop valuing the number of friends I have but instead the quality of those relationships. I’ve learned to stop trying to hold onto friendships that aren’t meant to be. I’ve learned to accept that not everyone is going to like me or want to be my friend, and that’s okay.
I’m happy to say that I have finally found my people at Choate. And, with patience and an open mind, you will too. Once you do, spend every moment you can with them. I can’t wait for these last five days with the people who made Choate my home.”
