Graphic by Sesame Gaetsoloe/The Choate News
Choate’s recent transition to remote learning has caused substantial changes to our daily lives. Since quarantine started, the amount of attention I’ve given to my physical appearance has dropped precipitously. I’ve made some questionable fashion choices for my Zoom classes — if you can call wearing the same outfit three days in a row fashion.
My daily outfit consists of an oversized sweatshirt and baggy sweatpants in varying shades of gray. I haven’t touched a pair of jeans in at least a month. Despite accidentally cutting my hair too short a week into quarantine, I hardly care about its length. And, without the pressure of possible judgement from my peers or the lingering feeling that I have to look a certain way to fit in, my concern with my self-image has moved to the backburner.
It’s not that my sense of fashion has changed during quarantine — I still like the clothes that I used to wear regularly to school — but without people around to see my outfits, it feels pointless to dress nicely. Part of me feels as though I’d be wasting a perfectly good outfit if it doesn’t receive appreciation, or at least, acknowledgement from others. Why take the time to dress to impress when there’s no one to impress?
Over the past month or so of social distancing, I’ve come to realize how heavily my “personal” style is influenced by the opinions of others. Subconsciously, I’m constantly looking to online influencers and celebrities to see which styles are trending or out of season. When I see my favorite YouTuber wear mom jeans instead of skinny jeans, I suddenly believe that the pair of skinny jeans I bought just last week are ugly and out of style.
Still, this hunger for validation expands far beyond my fashion sense — the need for external approval is at the heart of everything I do. I choose my outfits based on trending styles that will help me fit in. I perform the piano for judges who decide if the music I’m playing is beautiful enough. I write essays that I’m not proud of but that I know will receive a good grade and positive feedback. I post pictures on social media because being in the moment with my friends is not enough — I need people to know that I’m having fun. It’s come to the point where I can’t even differentiate between the things I genuinely enjoy from the things I do to please others.
Growing up, I was constantly told to be myself and to ignore what others think, but no one ever talked about how difficult doing that actually is — how difficult it is to ignore the pressure from my parents, friends, and teachers who expect more out of me than I can give. How difficult it is to stop feeling like I’m living in my brother’s shadow. How difficult it is to lower my own perfectionist expectations and go easy on myself once in a while.
To compensate for this internal struggle, I look to others for validation. And, it wasn’t until I took a break from my nonstop, day-to-day life and spent some time alone that I realized not only how my style is affected by others, but how much I do to please others overall.
Building patience and trust in ourselves is the only way to fight the need for external validation and to realize that our own satisfaction is enough. Despite the chaos of the Covid-19 outbreak, quarantine is a detox from the judgemental eyes of society. It’s the perfect time to confront the insecurities confining us and to be who we want to be — whether that means wearing skinny jeans or sweatpants.
