Prepare for The Parents

There’s nothing like some good ole’ fashioned trickery to make your guardians proud of you. Follow these nine simple steps to blow away your visitors this Parents’ Weekend, and you’ll see a sizable jump in your Choate account—I mean, earn yourself a big hug.

1. Talk as much as possible in your language class; hopefully, your guardians will be very confused and assume that everything you say is brilliant. If they question you later about what you said, mention “the impact of social media on teens” or “the importance of summer reading.”

2. Say “hello” to all the people you walk by during passing period. If they know you, they’ll say “hell0” back and smile. If they don’t know you, they’ll do the exact same thing. At some point, remind your parents, “Choate is a tight-knit community.” They’ll tell all your relatives back home that you’re thriving socially.

3. In your science class, mention terms that are simple but scary-sounding, like “exocytosis” or “oxidation-reduction reaction.” Better yet, get one homework assignment ahead so that you outshine everyone else in class.

4. Show your visitors your beautiful dorm room! Have your laundry done, your sheets changed, and a shrine to your guardian displayed prominently above your bed.

5. Or, instead of doing your laundry, just store your dirty clothes in a hermetically sealed bag… in someone else’s closet.

6. Pay someone ahead of time to fake-hurt their ankle so you can walk them to the Health Center or trainers’ office.

7. Actually, the best way to make your visitors proud of you is to make time to hang out with them.

8. When they start to drive you crazy and you need a break, just say that you’re going to go help your friend with some studying. They’ll say in awe, “Oh, what a selfless child we raised!” And you can reply with, “Psh, I know.”

9. Steal your guardians’ reading glasses. If they can read this article, the jig is up.

Even future leaders of the free world will need an elaborate scheme to impress their parents this weekend. Don’t fret, friends—The Choate News has your back.

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